I took a plunge this week and went to the Dr, at an appointment which I’d made weeks ago when I first registered at my new local clinic.

I sat in her pristine office and began to explain, not knowing exactly where I should begin. And I said so.

I spoke about the negative patterns that I’d noticed over the past few years; how they repeated and repeated. I got into unhealthy relationships. I have major issues with authority, especially at work. How I felt that years and years of repression had built up and were now pushing themselves out in unhealthy ways. I felt an iron grip upon my tongue, stopping the words coming forth and escaping; the cry for help that didn’t want to escape me, that something was stopping. It was one of the oddest physical sensations that I’ve ever experienced, especially for someone who has never had a problem with words.

As I sobbed my way through an explanation, to which the Dr listened to patiently, she told me that there are psychotherapy course available which can help. She asked what had prompted me to seek out help at this time and whether I had ever considered self-harm (only ever twice). She gave me the name of the website and said that I could sign up for a course there, and to make another appointment to come back and discuss it with her after my first couple of sessions.

I left and went back home, stalling for a few minutes to make a cup of tea and calm myself before I made a late entry into work at the agency I’m currently contracting at. It was odd, as though I had taken the first step to laying down a very heavy burden. I felt myself lighter and as the work stresses of the day, inevitable while working at one of the world’s biggest agencies, came through I felt myself more able to deal with them.

I haven’t yet looked up the website. I’m a little nervous to, and even more nervous to book myself into a course. But at heart I think I know that, if I can, it may be the very best thing for me. Even if it is difficult, or even painful.

But so often the best things are, right?

Talking of painful, my housemate J has declared that she may move out. Again, it’s an odd feeling. I’m closer with J than to any of my other housemates. And yet, recently, I haven’t been feeling it. She was given two weeks off work due to an injury, and she’s starting trying to go hardcore with the Atkins diet. Both things combine to make her moody and irritable. I think that she spends too much time both in the house and with her own thoughts. She messages in the house WhatsApp group about the most insignificant things (like sponges). It reminds me of when Kathy left her job in the last house. Suddenly the shower curtain was a major bone of contention.

I’ll be very sad to see her go, but another part feels that she is in a very negative place and needs to go fly by herself for a while. I get the feeling that there’s a lot going on in that head of hers and she needs to rise from the mental mire to re-discover who she really is and what she wants. I don’t relish the thought of having to find a new housemate but I can’t help but feel that it might be the best thing for everyone?

Sometimes things move forward in ways that we never expect. And it was only a couple of weeks ago that J moving out was probably the worst thing that I could have imagined happening to the house.

And yet…

Well, today at work was at least amazing. I rose to a huge challenge to investigate a complex brief and whether it could come in on budget. It involved a lot of collaboration but it made me learn a lot very quickly. I had to re-think, break it down, approach the right people, make things happen. It was numbers on a spreadsheet, the bit I’d always dreaded and thought I couldn’t do. But the strange thing was how much I enjoyed the challenge and the investigation. It was like a mystery I had to solve; a game I had to play and win. By the end, the Account Director was impressed and thanked me profusely for my work.

I won’t lie, I was quite proud of myself. I’m at one of the best agencies in the world and I’m doing the very best I can with it. Even if nothing is there for after my contract is up on the 26th, I’ll know that I did my very best with it.

But oh, I can’t help but hope that there might be. There seems to be so much opportunity there. Can one of the opportunities just land in my lap? For one of the few times in my life, I feel I am surrounded by world class experts. I have to grow and rise to their level. Some of them are truly brilliant and it is a place awash with life and brilliant. It’s like it reflects of everything and onto the wonderful projects which go out into the world.

Right now, everything may not be perfect or certain or fixed, but at this point I know that I am lucky to be where I am.

I can say with pride that I’m proud of myself.


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