It is confirmed that there will be no more work, not in the immediate anyway, at the big agency I’ve been working it.
To make it worse, Charlie said it would likely not be possible to go and visit him in Cali, as getting time off work was proving to be a problem.
So my plan failed, then my backup plan failed; my professional life took a blow and then my personal one fell down right alongside it.
I thought, vainly, that if only I could really impress this agency they’d find or create something for me, that I could somehow be so valuable that they’d have to let me stay. And I was recognised — I was nominated on Friday for great work at the weekly floor huddle and came third amongst the other nominations. Not bad for a freelancer who has been there for less than a month.
But it evidently wasn’t enough.
My plan, our plan, was that after my contract was over I would go out and see my darling Charlie. But now that doesn’t seem possible. And from it, I cannot help but think dark thoughts: What if he has met someone else? What if he does? What if one day I just get a cold text message saying that he “hopes we can stay friends”?
I believe that we have meant a great deal to one another but I don’t want another situation where things just peter out, and yet I don’t want a relationship with my phone. Something I emphasised to Charlie while he was here. I want a relationship with a man. That man. One man. My darling Charlie and nobody else.
The truth is, I would consider moving to California for him. I believe that he is one of the best men that I’ve ever met and I do not think I could ever spend my life with a better man, or deserve a more wonderful one.
He sends me a “good morning” message every day. I see it and I feel a flood of affection. His beautiful blue eyes and his smile. It makes my heart turn over. I do not want to lose him. He is strong and steady, there is no drama involved in the art of being with him; it is more that we can simply be. If only it were possible to so simply be in one another’s arms and not an ocean away.
I believe that I could spend several lifetimes with him and still stay happy.
I want him. Is that so wrong? I believe I would brave anything to be with him. He is a much better person than I am.
And now I feel rather dreamy and lost. What will become of me? After Friday, in just under a week, I will have no direction; no opportunity; nothing. And there will be no trip to California to comfort me.
I do not know what I am to do. In truth I do not want to leave this agency. For the first time I feel that I respect everyone, especially those above me who I normally find are simply rather useless. It is the most wonderful, supportive, challenging environment.
This was meant to be the start of everything, a professional and personal triumph of time and circumstance. And now I can feel the dark creeping up on me again, and I do not want to surrender to it.
Please, somehow, let it all come right.