Tomorrow is my last day at the big agency. Everyone there is really impressed with my work, right up to the head of the entire department. But there is nothing permanent at the moment for me, despite all my troubles and trying.
Other jobs have appeared on the horizon, even though going to California has disappeared off it.
We can’t do July, because his boss is going camping. Other dates through the summer just become too expensive. So we need to look towards October, which seems like an eternity away. He’s so special I don’t want to give up hope, but how are we supposed to make this work? I just don’t know.
When we were together together, in the flesh, as it were, everything was easy; it just flowed from one thing to the next. In the most ordinary and extraordinary way. There was no effort and no question that, had we the chance, we would have a future together. Now we have to fight from two sides of the world to try and give this the space it needs to even see if it can become something.
I suppose the question is, how long can I keep fighting?
At what point will we move to fighting for this fledgeling relationship to just fighting each other? I can see how easy it would be to slip from one to the other without even realising it; a misread text, an absence of communication, a suspicious mind and bam, suddenly we’re destroyed what we set out to build.
I’m impatient by nature, so to try and wait months for a few days of being with Charlie is torture. Can I even do it?
And even if I can, what are we working towards? The way I see it, we need to try and give this thing space to be and breathe, after which we will need to look at making facility for me moving to California so that we can be together. And then who knows how many layers of bureaucracy and admin that might involve to allow us to be together? Who knows if some nasty little rule tucked away somewhere will stop us from being together?
They say that love will find out the way, but right now I find it hard to see. Maybe love can, but what about the space before love can bloom into being? What about the building you have to do to call love forward? I believe that true love doesn’t come unbidden; she requires work and the laying of foundations.
I don’t think those foundations can be laid with texts and FaceTime, personally.
But like I said, he’s too special to just give up on. And hopefully, he feels the same about me.
Right now, I’m all questions and no answers.