So Chris has slept with Karly’s sister Hannah. And, to make matters even more interesting, his friend (“friend”) from the States, Jen, is coming over in a couple of weeks to stay at our house. And she’s coming over in the expectation that she will be sharing Chris’s bed, most likely to be banged like a Salvation Army drum.
Seems like she’ll be in for a disappointment.
Hannah has stated that she’d “prefer he didn’t” but she won’t stop seeing him either way.
Those “Do what you want” moments in a relationship really are cornerstones. “Do what you want to” is one of those fun little phrases which almost always means “Do what I want you to”. And Hannah strikes me as the kind of girl who likes to be holding the whip, outside of the bedroom at least. I think that she likes to manipulate men and I think that Chris likes to be manipulated.
The odd thing is that, as much as I like Chris, I’ve never got on well with his girlfriends. He seems to go for controlling women. He’s the sort of man who needs a strong woman, whereas I just clash with them. I’ve never been one to blindly obey anyone and I tend to come up against women who take the Queen of Hearts attitude of “all ways are my ways”.
There’s also the concern of my friendship with Karly, though we’re taking the attitude that it’s nothing to do with us. Whatever else happens in this vortex of emotions, our friendship won’t be part of it.
And the hard truth is that I just don’t really give a shit about Chris’s personal life right now. I have too much in my own head going on. It may sound strange but I’ve been actively distancing myself from people recently who seem to want to give me an active update on every nuance of their life. I seem to have been prizing time when I can be alone with my own thoughts, since every step I take at the moment seems to result in a plethora of confusion and questions.
I used to take pride that close friends wanted to confide in me, but now…
Also, when people want to talk about their utterly amazing work and personal lives, isn’t it all just a load of humble bragging horse shit?
I mean, when you’re talking about all that “work pressure” and running over and over their complicated love lives, isn’t that just some sort of vector mask for “I’m earning great money and getting laid — what are you doing with your life?”
It’s fucking tiring trying to feign even a modicum of interest. I don’t think I have any more left in me.
Maybe because at the moment it feels like I’m very much on the outside looking in. I’m looking for a new full-time role and my own darling one is across the world in California; I have no steady income and the man I think I might love is miles away. Is it little wonder that I have to force myself out of bed in the morning and not to cry at random intervals throughout the day, let alone sit with friends as they wax lyrical about how wonderful their lives are?
“Oh just fucking fuck off!” I want to scream from the sofa. “Yes, you’re in a better place than I am in every conceivable way, does forcing your happiness on me make you happier? Do you actually think I enjoy being repeatedly raped with your happiness meter? Go fornicate with your new thing and leave me the hell alone.”
Maybe it’s wrong or unfair of me to think this way. There’s so much anger and at times it just bursts out of me at random intervals. I’ve always had too much feeling trapped inside and if I don’t channel it into meaningful projects it finds ways to escape.
Oh Lord, please just let my new full-time role find me. Let it find me now. Let me have the stability and working life back. Let it be like it was. Then I can join in with the London life talk; then I can buy food without feeling worried.
Then I can be myself again.
I’m not saying my job denies who I am, but I like it to be a part of me. And right now I just want that part back.