Value

1 week, 3 nights, 3 different men.

I knew I shouldn’t be with at least two of them even as we were in the middle of it. It was just to feel the rush and high of lust. I feel so undervalued in other areas of my life. Somehow, this was a way to feel valued again, even if only for an hour.

I didn’t feel sickened with myself, but I knew it had to stop. I could feel how easy it would be, to let it slip into a habit. Find comfort in the arms of men to make myself feel better again. To feel empowered and like I’m worth something to someone, even temporarily. It was the sheer stress levels of work, the loneliness I feel when I leave. When I come home, there’s no-one there to hold me and comfort me. Nobody to help me feel valued in some small way.

I know feelings of value and self-worth should come from inside, but is that really sustainable? If your entire outlook on life and positivity comes from within, that’s great, but really what’s the point in living in the world if that’s the case?

We’re designed to react to external factors. And wouldn’t life be a bit hollow if we didn’t? It would be like going through our days feeling nothing for anyone.

I’m still not sure why I’m enduring all this extra stress at work. I’m not working to earn a big salary, or even producing things creatively I’m particularly proud of. I’m starting to feel like another drone, sitting in front of a MacBook screen in an office in London, chained there by what society now expects of us. I still want to be successful, I don’t feel like running off and joining an organic commune in the forest (although I have increased sympathy for people who do). But I want to work somewhere, do something, that just has…value. Value to what I put into it, good financial value so I can move on with my life and what I want from it.

I’m at a point again where I don’t know where to go. I don’t know what my next step is. I know what I want eventually, but I’m unsure as to what I need to do in order to to get there.

Is my next step an agency? A PR communications firm? A gaming brand? Staying where I am and just making the most of it?

I don’t know. I can’t see through the fog of life and it blocks the path in front of me. At work, and at home, I feel surrounded by negative feelings. I don’t want to sound overly sensitive, but when you’re in that situation it really brings you down. You’re not thinking creatively, you’re not as engaged or empowered by whatever you’re going. I’ve found having a very negative outlook around you actually takes energy to deal with, energy you’d be much better placed to apply elsewhere. Your own negative thoughts or other people’s, the result is the same.

In my experience, you either need to change that negative vibe or move away from it.